


With or Without You

by awilliamson81



Category: Daredevil (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Middle School, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-28
Updated: 2016-05-01
Packaged: 2018-06-05 03:10:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6686779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awilliamson81/pseuds/awilliamson81
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She didn't like him when they were in school together. He was a year ahead of her and he was, quite frankly, an asshole. Yet, there was something about him that intrigued her. Like somehow they were fated to go down this path.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. South

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize right now for all of the typos and the flip-flopping of tense (past and present). I have a horrible habit of not sticking to one tense when writing and I hope it doesn't confuse you. Some of the names are clunky (ie. Chris S. and Chris L.) because I borrowed names from real life and I did not want to use their last names. I have my reasons - I'm sorry if it's off-putting. I need to get this story out and I would love it if you would humor me and read along. Please let me know what you think? I'm worried it's a little too...all over the place.  
> Also, I suggest checking out the Google images for Lambertville, NJ or even South Hunterdon Regional High School to get a feel for their town (the high school probably looks like everyones high school)
> 
> ~Amanda (punishpage on tumblr)

They live in a small town on the outskirts of nothing. It's one of the most beautiful towns (technically a city) in the United States. Seriously, it's been in magazines. Their town is one square mile and everyone knows everyone else. One of their sayings is "find someone you aren't related to and marry them."

The town is located on the picturesque Delaware River in New Jersey. Fishing is a religion. They have a festival every year named after a fish called Shad. She's older now, but for as long as she can remember, their town, and their neighboring town, directly across the river in Pennsylvania, have been loud and proud supporters of gay rights. Every year for Pride Week even their churches hang that rainbow flag. She loves that about the area she came from. That fact isn't relevant to her story, but she just loves it.

They know the jokes about New Jersey - have heard them all their lives. To them, those jokes seem preposterous because their corner of the state is nothing short of gorgeous. They're surrounded by farmland and located almost directly between Philadelphia and New York. Of course, growing up there was the worst thing to ever happen to them until they got older and experienced the world outside their bubble. Their town was ideal and only as adults were they able to appreciate it. Their parents and grandparents had been raised there. Their teachers had also been their parent's teachers. One of the most haunted sites in NJ is located in their humble little town - The Lambertville High School.

For most, love started in high school and lasted until the golden years.

She knew from a young age this was not her fate.

*******

She didn't like him when they were in school together. He was a year ahead of her and he was, quite frankly, an asshole. Yet, there was something that intrigued her about him. Like somehow they were fated to go down this path.

We're jumping ahead of ourselves here...

Anyway, they didn't like each other. He assumed she was a bitch because she was attractive and popular. He was also popular, but he rejected it. The popular guys were all friends with Frank. Whether it was because they played sports together since they were five or made each other laugh with fart jokes during study hall - Frank had a lot of male friends. He didn't seem to have any female friends. He never had girlfriends - no wait, he "dated" her friend Jane.

Her and Jane were very similar in a lot of ways. They were thin and blonde, both had boobs early and blue eyes. She was 5'10" where Jane was 5'7" - a running theme throughout her life. Jane and Karen were inseparable for a time from sixth to ninth grade. They spent summers lounging at Jane's house with her other two sisters. One night, they did some experimenting and that experimenting bled into the next day. The memories bring her back to a king sized bed, white sheets, and Jane telling her to finger her, but not to use her tongue because she was afraid it would taste bad.

When they were both in seventh grade, they found themselves "dating" eighth graders. She uses this term loosely because no actual dates were involved. Jane and Frank, Karen and Marc. Frank and Marc were best friends at the time so it was only natural. They spent time together on the canal bank watching the boys fish or they all snuck cigarettes away from where any adults would see, but mostly they hung out at Marc's. Karen liked Marc fine enough, but she was never attracted to him. He was tall and lanky and had terrible acne. Not his fault of course, but her hormones were not raging for whiteheads. Or really, it could have been that he pushed her to do things she wasn't comfortable with yet.

She remembers one time in particular they were all watching a movie in Marc's room on a weekend afternoon and her and Marc were on his bed while Frank and Jane were on the floor - not touching. Marc kept trying to put his hand down her shorts and she was very uncomfortable and told him to stop over and over while having to physically pull his hand away. Jane laughed nervously and Frank, who was never outwardly nice to her, told Marc to "knock it the hell off - she said stop, so stop." Marc had a field day with Frank for that, but Karen never looked at him the same. He was still an asshole, but her interest in him blossomed.

Frank never acknowledged her. It seemed to her, he would go out of his way to avoid looking at her at all, let alone look her in the eye. She could be standing next to him and he would not recognize her presence. When she thinks about it, she went out of her way to be near him.

Looking back, she thinks this may have been the true start of what they became.

While she was dating Marc, she was bullied by two girls that were best friends - one of the girls had a crush on Marc and was not shy about it. She had wildly permed, bleached hair. Her name was, is, Lisa. Lisa and her sidekick Michelle would threaten her every day. They slammed her into lockers and bumped into her every time they passed her in the hall - all over some oversexed basketball player. Marc thought it was hilarious and encouraged it. Grown Karen would shake the shit out of young Karen for allowing this.

The school hosted a lock in and Lisa and Michelle pretended to make amends with her. They invited her to sleep next to them down by the nurse's office. She came across Frank and Marc in the gymnasium and told them about Lisa and her invitation. Marc laughed and told her to go for it, like he was in on some joke. Frank's face betrayed Marc and she knew she was being set up. Frank told her Lisa is a bitch and who gives a shit what she thinks - she's got a big mouth and fuck her.

So Karen told her exactly what she thought of her and Lisa threatened to hit her. When Karen told her to go for it...nothing happened.

The bullying stopped. She's always been thankful to Frank for that.

The next morning, she was still in her sleeping bag on the floor when Frank passed and nudged her with his foot. He didn't say anything and she hadn't expected him to but he was kind of...smiling?

You see, it was rare to see Frank outright smile. Anytime he would start, he would do this thing with his mouth to turn the smile into a frowny sort of smirk or cover his mouth with his hand until he got himself under control.

She watched him walk away and she didn't stop (not for years). She didn't obsesses over him or anything like that. She didn't even have a crush, really. He was still a huge dickhead, but she could not deny her interest. He was a mystery to her and she wanted to dig in like you would curl up with a good book. She was still so very young though and not nearly wise enough to recognize what she was feeling - or getting herself into.

She remembers an afternoon when she went with Jane to meet Frank and Cole (his other best friend) - she fought Jane the whole way, but Jane always won. They were sitting on a grassy hill towards the top of Cottage Hill drinking beer and smoking cigarettes. Jane and Karen joined them and she doesn't remember much about what happened besides Frank talking a lot of shit about Marc and Karen making him laugh. She couldn't tell you what it was she said, but he outright laughed and it wasn't at her expense.

She held on to that for awhile.

*******

Frank lived on Cottage Hill. There was a young boy in almost every other house and they were all friends from growing up so close.

Let's back up. When Karen graduated sixth grade, her parents got her a separate phone line. Not everyone knew this line, but somehow the hill boys got the number and whenever they were hanging out she would receive "messages" as they called them back then. She had an answering machine with a little cassette tape to record the messages. She would come home to as many as 17 new messages from the hill boys.

She kept those tapes for years.

She would find out later that it was Frank who searched through Marc's drawers for her phone number and would dial the phone while the hill boys were only trying to hang out. He would hand the phone to someone else and let them say whatever they wanted on her answering machine.

She didn't understand why he hated her so much. What had she ever done? He would throw stones at her window with Marc and Cole early in the morning to go fishing, but once she was with them outside he wouldn't acknowledged her.

He was attractive to her. He had deep brown eyes, thick brown eyelashes and eyebrows, and black/brown hair. He always wore a military style crew cut and it suited him. He was tall and thin - all lean muscle and she knew from seeing him use his shirt to wipe sweat from his face, he has a beautifully toned stomach.

Her eyes would pick him out of a crowd every time and she hated it. Hated him. But only because he hated her. She found she was intimidated by him because he treated her like she didn't exist and he made fun of everyone behind their back.

*******

He sort of dropped out of her life (not completely) because that's what happens as you grow up, but he was still around because they were in the same school. Her school had a total of four hundred kids from seventh to twelfth grade. They inevitably heard things about each other and attended the same parties etc.

She started dating a guy, Chris S., who was two years older than her. She was a sophomore and he was a senior. Her dad had a very hard time with her dating an older guy. He didn't know Chris very well but he knew his last name. Chris' family has a spotty past, but whose doesn't? Once her dad met Chris he backed off and even started to like him. She lost her virginity to Chris when she was 16 and he was one week away from turning eighteen. It hurt. It hurt like a bitch. She remembers it with vivid clarity. It was a hot day and he didn't have air conditioning...

She had him in her mouth more times than she could count so she knew the impressive size of him. She used to blow him on the weekends - her head under a blanket in case one of her parents came downstairs - while they were watching The X-Files, of course.

To this day she still isn't quite sure if it was his size or her virginity that made her scream in pain. Poor Chris stopped and did not want to continue because she wasn't enjoying herself, but her stubbornness drove her forward. She told him to "just get it over with" and she grit her teeth against the searing pain.

*******

They had a fight one night because he went to Kim's house. Kim was having a "get together" for some seniors because they were close to graduation. He hadn't told her he was going until after he left and came to her house much later. In the middle of said fight, Chris mentioned Frank's name in passing. She made him go back to it and asked why he was there if this was only a get together for seniors? Frank was a Junior. Chris explains that Kim is fucking Frank.

Oh.

She forgets why she was mad and now she feels something she never thought she would feel - especially where Frank is concerned. All she can focus on is the idea of Kim and Frank. So, she asks more questions and Chris, reasonably, asks her why she cares so much about Frank. He tells her Frank is an asshole and who gives a shit what he does and then asks if she has a crush on him. He's talking to her like she doesn't know Frank. She supposes he doesn't know that she does, in fact, know Frank. She vehemently denies a crush because that is absurd.

Kim is average height and the guys called her "hot rod" because she had rods put in her back - her breasts were so big she had major back pain. She was attractive enough with a hook nose and a puckered little mouth. Kim was a bitch and she's not just saying that - she was never very nice to Karen, or anyone for that matter. Some of the other senior girls were very friendly with Karen and she appreciated that.

Fuck Kim and her rods.

She hears about a rumor involving Frank, Kim, and Marc at Chris L's house and her stomach drops. They are only whispers but in a high school this small they spread like wildfire. She doesn't learn until years later what actually went on in that house. Chris L. and his family were on vacation so Frank and Marc were there "house sitting." They invite Kim over and after drinking for a while, Kim sits between them on the couch and jerks them both off to see who can come first.

So, there's that.

*******

Her junior year she finds out about a program offered through her school to attend vocational classes. She decides on graphic arts and not only does it get her out of her own school for half a day, but she meets some lovely people.

Jane and her are no longer best friends, but they are in no way enemies and she finds that Jane is also going to be attending the class.

They have to take a bus from their high school (South Hunterdon) to Central High School and then catch a bus from there to Del Val High School. Del Val is their rival football team and Central is their rival field hockey team. It's a lot of time on a bus, but she loves the ride and time away from her school.

Her and Jane sit together in class and it feels forced and awkward somehow.

Jane has started dating some tool from Central and he sells ecstasy. She should mention that this is when ecstasy hit its stride. It was everywhere. Jane opened her makeup compact and it had been emptied of the pressed powder foundation and full of ecstasy tabs. Karen was never a drug person. Sure, she had smoked a little weed in middle school, but it never thrilled her. It only made her tired and she didn't see the appeal. There was something about not being in control of your senses that gave her heart palpitations.

Jane told her she was trying to sell the tabs for her dum dum boyfriend, Tim. As far as Karen could tell, Tim's only attributes were that he had a mustang and could mow his lawn to do that criss-cross thing like at Yankee Stadium.

She also found out Jane would be spending her senior year at Central High. South was no longer good enough for her - not enough rich people or rich people drugs.

Anyway, ecstasy was ripping through her town like a plague. People were sucking on pacifiers in school and a guy named Mike C. was hosting ecstasy parties at his condo every weekend. Mike C. has always been very well known in her town. His family owns a gas station in the center of town and literally everyone knows his name.

Mike C. had been a bookie since he was sixteen and because of his greed, turned to selling drugs. He will, to this day tell you he's an addict, but his one true addiction is gambling. He is also six years older than Karen. Also, a legit sociopath.

By this time, Chris L. And Frank were best friends. She didn't know what Frank was into, but she heard things. He was screwing Jean Marie (Karen loved Jean - such a sweet girl), drinking whenever possible, and high all the time.

Chris L. entered the drug slinging game to be cool. His family had money and he had friends, but he saw it as a business venture and sold for Mike C.

Frank never sold drugs except for the one time he did and she'll tell you about that later.

*******

Her locker was located ten feet from where Frank and his friend, Mike M. would sit in the morning. There was an unused teacher's desk sitting in the middle of the hall for her entire high school career and Frank sat on it every morning, eyes bloodshot, talking about God knows what with Mike M.  
Every time she dared look at him he was watching her and would look away immediately. It confused the hell out of her. Especially since she had heard from people that he didn't like her. Completely unprovoked, he had made his mind up about her. Again. They had never had a conversation and he had torn her down in his mind - didn't seem fair.

From then on she made it a point to make eye contact with him. He looked away every time.

They have gym and health class together. She can avoid him in gym, but one of her favorite times of day was watching him play basketball. He was one of the schools best players but overshadowed by Marc. Some of the guys would play HORSE and she would sit against the wall under the basket and watch him. She wasn't going to hide the fact that she was a fan of his. He knew she was watching him, but he did everything in his power to ignore her.

She remembers him slamming into the wall next to her and without looking at her, told her she might be in a bad spot. She told him she liked the spot and she could tell he was smirking from the back of his head.

The back of his head was becoming something like an obsession of hers, but not exactly that because she doesn't like him because he doesn't like her.

She was sat behind him in Health class and her sole focus was the back of his head. His closely trimmed crew cut and his ears. Don't even get her started on his neck. In the beginning of her junior year - his senior, she spent every health class staring at the back of his very tan neck. She knew he was outside a lot because she had spent some of that time with him when they were younger, but what was he doing now?

She will learn, eventually, that he works summers at Pine Creek. Pine Creek is an expensive and very fancy miniature golf ...place. It is known for its landscaping. Frank was their landscaper.

By the end of that year she was able to admit the back of his head and neck was a huge turn on for her.

*******

Her best friend had become Stephanie. They had always known each other, but never hung out. Karen told Steph she was going to be her friend. Karen had been in the beginning of her junior year when she asked Steph to walk her home and sleep over. They had been at a party, Karen recently broken up with Chris S. - you see Chris S. had this best friend named Anthony and he made Karen's insides flip. He had done this to her since she was in sixth grade. Anthony has a twin brother named Joseph - they are a whole other story.

Karen cheats on Chris S. with Anthony. He pursued her and she was immature and weak. Anthony was made of piss, vinegar, and motor oil. Looking back, he was the only blonde (besides Jonathan Brandis) she was ever attracted to - no wait, Dave Neal. Oh, Dave Neal. Okay. Okay, she's getting off topic here.

Anyway, she cheated on Chris S. It's not her proudest moment, but it's a part of her and there's no use denying her mistake. She's learned that owning your mistakes will help you grow and go a long way to helping you respect yourself.

Back to the party - her and Steph and plenty of others were at a party drinking Zima with skittles (disgusts her still to this day) when she saw the time and panicked. She had to walk home and that involved going up a steep, dark, and twisty road. She's done it before and wasn't afraid but she was feeling vulnerable and wanted a friend. Stephanie was a year behind her in school and very shy. She was very petite with long black hair and big dark eyes. She reminded Karen of Audrey Hepburn. Karen grabbed her hand and Stephanie walked with Karen to her house and slept there. She listened to Karen tell her about Anthony and Chris S. and Karen's emo depressive fog began to lift.

From then on her and Steph were inseparable.

Steph had hung out with Frank and his friends a lot in the past and a tiny part of Karen was insanely jealous. Frank acknowledged Steph - he went as far as to say hi or pat her head when he passed her in the hall. So, Karen naturally assumed he had a thing for Steph and him staring at Karen meant he was plotting her death.

*******

Chris L. is having a party and her and Frank end up on a pool team together. Not ideal considering he makes her incredibly nervous and intimidates the hell out of her. He's not pleasant and the only people he seems to speak to are guys...and Steph. Sure, she knows he's screwing Jean Marie, a senior and the most popular girl in school, but she never sees him with her or ...any girl for that matter. Years later she'll find out his mom thought he was gay for a long time. Nothing about him reads gay to her, but what does she know?

He rolls his eyes when he's told Karen is his partner. She's not one to back down so she grabs the pool stick and breaks. She sinks three balls - they're solids. His face in that moment is a memory her heart holds dear.

*******

Her and Chris S. had gotten back together and she felt as though she was wearing a Scarlet A on her breast. It may have been all in her mind, but she could sense the judgement. Chris S. was an all around nice guy and didn't deserve to be treated the way she treated him. She dealt with that for a long time. She learned years later he had cheated on her first with his ex girlfriend.

By the beginning of her senior year she was feeling stifled. She wanted to let go. She had found easy employment at a tanning salon - she had also been working at a gym since she was fifteen - and met a Canadian hockey player by the name of Justin Catto. He was a customer and flirted with her relentlessly - this is another theme in her life. He was attractive, sweet, and funny. He kissed her in the parking lot one night after she closed the salon and he became her boyfriend for a hot second.

*******

She became a water girl for their football team - or as their guy friends on the team called them, "H2Hoes." No, she's not proud of that name, but it was playful and funny at the time. Now it makes her eyes roll.

Her parents threw parties after football games. Yes, you read that right. Her parents threw parties for her and her friends. Keg included.

Her parents are...hard for her to talk about.

She didn't know what was coming, but she always felt something was off. For instance, if she was out, she was afraid to return to her home unannounced. Her dad would do things like tell her not to come home for the weekend - this was after she got her driver's license. Before she had her license, they would ground her a lot because her grades were not satisfactory. They went out a lot on the weekends and she was left home alone. Don't feel bad for her - she loved it, mostly. Unless her friends were off having fun without her.

Anyway, she never truly felt welcome in her own home. She'll explain that later.

*******

She saw Frank around town when he was home from Rutgers on winter break. He seemed slightly different. Like a little time at college had opened him up some. She saw him in McDonald's one night - they were both with their own groups of friends and he invited her to come see him sometime at Rutgers. Her heart damn near stopped. He then told her he invited Jane as well and maybe they could come together.

Ugh.

She told him she wouldn't want to intrude and his eyebrows knit.

*******

Jane and her sisters are throwing a huge New Year's Eve party and of course they are going. The only foreseeable problem is mixing South kids with Central kids.

The house was literally divided. Half of Jane's house was South and the other was Central. She was wearing a pale blue, tight V neck top from Express and dark jeans. He was wearing dark jeans and a zip up grey fleece. Throughout the night he kept finding his way to her and she to him.

Damn near everyone from her high school was there. It was a good thing the house was big and it was set a mile off the road.

The ball was about to drop and the year would be 2000. She couldn't see the TV, so Ryan put her on his back - he had also been flirting with her the entire night. She was killin' it her senior year. After the ball dropped Ryan jumped up and she fell backwards onto...you guessed it - Frank. He was sitting on the couch behind them. There were three other guys on the couch with him and no room for any of them to move. She landed directly on his lap. She quickly apologized and tried to get up, but his hands held her hips and laughed it off, telling her it was fine. He teased her about being too drunk - she was completely sober. She stayed there on his lap, but turned sideways and apologized for being heavy. He told her she wasn't heavy at all. She hated sitting on anyone's lap for fear of crushing them. She was 5'10" and a size 6 - she wasn't crushing anything.

Her girlfriends were at the party as well - all of them one year behind her. The girls in her class were lovely, but they just weren't her close friends.

Of course a fight broke out on the front porch and the cops came and Jane's dad, a detective, showed up and kicked everyone out. Not incredibly responsible parenting.

Before leaving, she found Jane in her room crying and said goodbye and tried to offer her comfort. Frank walked in on them and said goodbye to Jane and told her not to forget what he said. She asked Jane what that meant and she said he wants her to go to Rutgers to see him, probably to fuck her. She didn't seem interested. He gave Jane his number.

Well, okay.

She had her car there and her and her girlfriends all climbed in. This car could fit eight. It was a 1991 silver Ford Taurus and to this day it is still her favorite car. Karen called her parents and told them what happened. They made her promise she was sober and hadn't been drinking - if she had they would pick her up. She had to ask permission for her friends to stay over. They had all told their parents they would be out for the night. Her parents quickly agreed because they knew her friends and thought kicking kids out of your house after they were drinking was just dumb.

A lot of people were going to Chris S' garage to drink some more and stay there. There was no way she was going to do that and Steph was staying with her, so the rest of their girlfriends followed suit.

Her girlfriends were with her in her car, Mike and Dan were coming in Dan's car. Dan is Steph's first cousin and Karen's other best friend. Mike is Dan's best friend and really they were both just great guys and her parents knew them and trusted them.

They pull up to Karen's house, it is close to 2 am and her parents come out to greet them. They all apologize and thank her parents and then another set of headlights appear.

Her parents ask her who else is coming and she says she doesn't know. Her friend, Jill, says it's Jimmy's car.

Frank asked her where she was going to go when they left Jane's and if she was okay to drive.

Oh holy hell. Frank was with Jimmy. He went to Jane's with Jimmy. Why why why is Jimmy Lelie at her house right now. More importantly is Frank with him? She used to babysit for Jimmy's little sister and she was fired because she played with Jimmy more than his sister. That was mortifying.

Two car doors open and she holds her breath. Her parents say hi to Jimmy - another nice guy blah blah. Everyone knows everyone in this town. Except Frank doesn't do the whole "talk to parents and kiss their ass and play nice with others" thing. Frank Castle is about to see her house. Her bedroom. Oh god. OH GOD.


	2. Blame It On The Moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She has no idea what to expect from this. It's totally new territory for both of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *TRIGGER WARNING*  
> This chapter includes abuse.  
> This may have a lot of errors, but I just could not read it again. My brain hurts. It may flip flop between tenses and...yeah, I just can't look at it any more. I hope you enjoy? ~Amanda (punishpage on tumblr)

She blames The Honeymooners. 

Her room is the attic of her home and it's large. It's the length of the house and she has her own bathroom. There's a couch and tv as well as her bed and a desk. Her mattress is a single, but it's on her floor. Her parents are planning to buy her a larger mattress very soon. 

There's plenty of space for everyone to sleep if they would only shut the fuck up. 

He climbs on the bed with her. Normally, she would share with Steph or Dan but Steph is on her couch and Dan is ...somewhere on the floor. 

She will not sleep tonight - she's sure of this. 

They are both facing her TV (to the right of the bed) and The Honeymooners comes on. What channel is this? Who put this on? He throws an arm over her and tells her she can't go to sleep yet because he loves this show. He loves this ...show?

~  
Years later he will tell her he had never seen the show before that night.   
~

She can't sleep on her right side, but if she turns she'll be facing him. She mentally prepares herself for ten whole minutes before turning to face him. She is staring at his throat and he wastes no time tilting her chin up to kiss her. 

She has sex with him that night with the Honeymooners illuminating the room. There are eight other people sleeping (she hopes) in the room with them. It's fast and sloppy and not at all what she would have wanted it to be. 

She wishes she could say it was magical or there were sparks, but none of that happened. He was barely hard from the alcohol and she didn't feel much. She was now able to say she had sex with Frank Castle. 

Oh, if only she knew what this one night would bring her. 

*******

The next morning, Frank and Jimmy leave quickly because Jimmy says he has to get home. He barely looks at her when he mutters his thanks. It's not like she cares - she doesn't have feelings for him. 

Dan climbs into bed with her and asks her why Frank was in her bed and not him. He's not hitting on her - he is legitimately mad that he didn't get to sleep in bed with her as he usually would. 

And then it dawns on Dan-

"Did you just have sex with Frank Castle?"

She covers her face and rolls away from him. Thankfully everyone else has left besides Dan and Steph. 

"Karen!" Steph yelps incredulously. Steph rarely calls her by her full name and usually shortens it to what sounds like 'care.' 

"It's not a big deal." She brushes them off. 

She has absolutely no way of knowing that it is a very big deal. 

*******

Remember the ecstasy extravaganza? 

Apparently, the FBI and local and state police have been investigating this for over a year and now it's time to make arrests. 

She comes into school and the hall population seems incredibly thin. The absentee lists for almost every grade are whole sheets of paper. Anyone that was ever involved in any way with the drug or contacted the dealers regularly has been arrested. 

She had to consult the newspapers to see if he was one of them. 

The disappointment she feels sinks in her stomach like lead. But wait, he's been arrested for dealing? No. That has to be a mistake. She wants to know absolutely everything about why he's been arrested and why they are saying he's a dealer and why...just, WHY? Sure, he's an ass, but... But what? Why does she care? He does not give one shit about her and he's made it very clear. 

She gets very minimal information out of the people in attendance that day and over the course of the next week or so, rumors fly. 

*******

She comes home from school on a Wednesday and has a message from him on her personal line. She did not give him her phone number, but it hasn't changed since sixth grade. 

"Hey, it's Frank. I'm, uh- give me a call."

He leaves his number and explains it's for his dorm, so someone else might answer. 

She is shaking when she dials. This conversation won't be a conversation so much as dead air and she already hates it. 

Someone picks up and takes the message that she called because Frank is not around. Well, there's that. She can't imagine a dum dum college bro taking a message and passing it on and she sure as hell won't be calling back. 

He calls back an hour or so later. Color her surprised. 

"Hello?"

"Hey. You called."

"Yeah- I, you called first."

"No, yeah- I was just...surprised "

HE was surprised?? 

"What's up?"

"You heard what's going on?"

"Yeah. Are you, uh, are you okay?"

"Would you wanna come up this weekend?"

She's stunned silent. Would her parents even let her? Does she want to drive to a college she's never been to and hang out with someone she has hated (because he hated her) for years?

"If you can't make it, it's cool - I know it's short notice...maybe next weekend?"

Um, he's serious. 

"Yeah, I'll come. Let me-"

"Your parents?"

She let's out a breathy, relieved laugh. 

"It's cool. Let me know." She can hear a touch of a smile in his voice. 

*******

Here she is, in her Ford Taurus, driving to a place she's never been, about to hang out with a guy that- well, you know the story. 

Her friends tell her this is a bootycall. She's not stupid and knows she'll be naked with him, but the nervousness she feels is what tells her it might be more. Yes, everything about this screams bootycall, but her intuition tells her there may be more. 

He's at college with a million girls - he can fall into bed with any one of them and probably does. Why is he calling her? She's a senior in high school and not living down the hall from him. 

~  
She will find out years later that she felt like home to him and he needed home. Also, he didn't fall into bed with any of them.   
~

She parks in the first parking lot she finds and calls him to meet her. It's still the afternoon but he asked her to come up as soon as she could - no reason to wait until later. 

His room smells like him and she wants to run away. She should be with Dan and Steph watching movies. This is so far out of her comfort zone she could cry. 

It's snowing and has been since she left to come. He told her it was up to her, but he still wanted her to come. 

It's awkward at first and she doesn't know what to say or what to do with her arms, but he sits on the futon positioned in front of him and his roommate's beds, so she follows his lead and sits next to him. 

He tells her he has movies to watch and they'll probably get beer later. She nods and wants to ask why she's here and if he's going to jail. 

"So, I got arrested..."

Oh, thank god. 

"Yeah- how? What happened?"

He shakes his head and tells her the whole story. Shawn asked Frank to meet someone for him because Shawn was out with his girlfriend. Frank was apprehensive with good reason, but Shawn wasn't the type to set someone up. Frank met this guy, sold him what Shawn was supposed to be selling him, and left. Turns out that guy was an undercover cop and they've all been watched for going on a year. 

Chris L is in a lot of trouble along with Mike C, but what it all comes down to is they're stupid kids (with the exception of Mike C who is in his twenties) and the authorities are going to make an example out of them. 

They came to his dorm to arrest him and offered him McDonald's on the ride - he notes this is because he's a white kid. 

His entire attitude about the whole thing is flippant until he talks about his mom. His mom is very clearly important to him. She knows his mom and dad are still together and he has a sister, Jackie, that everyone adores. 

His eyes are wet and his voice shakes when he explains what this has done to his mom. It's his biggest regret. 

He clears his throat and she doesn't know what to say so they move on to a movie. The Matrix. She hates it, but it doesn't matter. She just wants to be with him and she hates that as well. 

*******

He teachers her the game Drunk Driver - ho boy. 

There is no skill involved in this game - just drinking. They drink a stupid amount of beer and make each other laugh until it is time to give up and move to the bed. It's still snowing and she takes off her jeans to climb into bed with him. He tells her they don't have to have sex and she climbs on top of him. He asks her if she's sure and she is - thanks to the beer. 

This time is decidedly better, but she again has an impossible time relaxing due to performance anxiety. She is lit only by the window and it makes her feel self-conscious being exposed like this. She was never on top with Chris S. Frank looks up at her with something akin to wonder and mutters what sounds like "unbelievable" as his hands cover her breasts. 

He finishes and she does not, but she knew she wouldn't. She was too nervous to let go. 

*******

They wake to his roommate entering the room. He is the opposite of Frank. Friendly, kinda dorky, and very sweet. 

"Hi, Karen." He greets in a sing-song tone. 

"Hi." 

How does this guy know her name?

Frank asks him where he was last night and she tunes out pondering all the ways this guy could have learned her name. 

They lie there in bed for awhile and he tells her she can stay, but she doesn't want to. Not that she doesn't want to be with him, but she wants to get back to her comfort zone as quickly as possible to process her night. 

He kisses her goodbye and she leaves the room and gets to her car as quickly as possible. 

She's brushing the snow off her car when he approaches her. "So, I was told I was being rude for not walking you out. Sorry."

She smiles, "I made it out of the building just fine without you."

He smirks and nods. "I'm not that great at this."

She wants to ask what he means - exactly what he means, but she lets it drop. 

She shrugs, "no worries."

"Do you, uh..." He clears his throat. "Let me know if you wanna come back."

She thinks it's almost adorable how uncomfortable he is. "How about you call me?"

*******

She doesn't shower until later that night because the smell of him is all over her. 

*******

It goes on like this for awhile - he calls her or she calls him and she attends college parties with him and sleeps in his bed. His friends and roommate refer to her as "wifey"- she protests and he rolls his eyes. They do not hold hands or go on any dates. They don't kiss or show each other any affection in public. 

He's sick as a dog one weekend and tells her she should still come see him if she wants. She goes and he encourages her to attend a party with the guys from his floor. He's too sick to go. She loves all of his friends. They make her feel welcome and never leave her alone at the party. 

He's doing shots of rum and chasing them with shots of brandy when she returns. There's a couple of people she recognizes in the room with him and he's happy to see her when she returns. 

He kicks everyone out and they go to bed.

*******

Her gut tells her something is off. He doesn't call her for a week and when she does call, he's short with her and does not invite her to come that weekend. Mike C is dating a girl named Missy. She hears Missy and some other people take a trip to Rutgers on the weekend he doesn't invite her. 

The following week, he calls her and she goes to him that weekend. It feels off and he's cold...er than usual. 

When the morning comes, he leaves the bed for his computer to play some stupid game they are all obsessed with. She tells him she's leaving and he waves over his head - doesn't even turn around. She starts changing out of his sweatshirt and he tells her to keep it. 

She leaves with his sweatshirt and doesn't come back. 

*******

Her and Steph go for a drive on a rainy Sunday. They do this a lot. 

She needs gas so they stop by the Sunoco and her ex (Chris S) is working. Mike C is there (it IS his dad's business) and he's staring at her. Mike C is Sicilian and cocky. He's got money and charm and she has never truly noticed him. She's crossed paths with him plenty of times, but she didn't give a shit if he's rich and dangerous. 

He, apparently, notices her. He begins pursuing her - asks around about her and in a town this small, it gets back to her quickly. 

*******

She ends up at Mike's condo one night and drinks too much to drive home. It's not a party, but more of a get together and she feels dangerous. He's six years older than her and doesn't hide his attraction. 

She makes the first move that night and she's not even sure if he's still dating Missy or not. Does she regret it now? Yes. But these things happen. 

This is another night that will start her on a path she could have never foreseen. 

*******

She gets a message from Frank, but ignores it. 

He doesn't call again and she assumes he's gotten the hint. 

*******

Mike shows up at her high school graduation and from then on, she's his. 

She learns quickly that he's abusive and not at all what she wants, but he breaks her down and makes her believe he is all she has. 

He was one of the first people arrested months ago and the center of it all, but walked out with a sentence of sixteen weekends. She had never heard of such a thing. Weekends in jail? 

*******

She hears Frank has been sentenced to thirty weekends and is outraged. What's worse? Chris L with a sentence of three years. She has to sit down for that one. She's heard of rapists and murderers getting off with less. 

He was right. They're making an example of these kids. 

*******

She's accepted to Fairleigh Dickinson and visits Marc there to get the lay of the land. He's been there for a year already. He takes her to a lame party and she asks about Frank and his sentence. It's then he says something that hits her like a punch to the gut. 

"Why do you care? He fucked you. It's not like he's gonna get out of jail and come running to you. That's just not Frank."

Back at Marc's room that night, he put his hand down her pants when he thought she was sleeping. She makes it very clear she is awake and not interested. 

His response was another slap to the face. "Karen, he doesn't give a shit about you - let it go."

As if the only reason she wouldn't want Marc is because of Frank. 

The sad thing is, this isn't the first time she's had to fight him off and it won't be the last. 

*******

She's started her first semester at Fairleigh Dickinson and she hates it. She comes home every weekend - well, not home...she goes to Mike's. Her parents seem to be happy with this, just as long as she isn't home. She doesn't see her friends and they miss her as much as she misses them. 

She spends her weekends being thrown down stairs and fucking Mike. She is a ball of anxiety and she hates every thing about her life right now. 

*******

On the way to the jail that first weekend, Mike punches her repeatedly in the back while she's driving because she isn't going fast enough. 

They pull into the small parking area near the entrance and there he is. She's crying and he's in the passenger seat of the car next to hers. Their friend, Brent has driven him. She looks away from him because if Mike catches her looking at him, there will be hell to pay. She can feel the heat of his stare and wants so badly to explain she's not crying because she's dropping her boyfriend at jail for the weekend, but because of the bruises blossoming on her back. Mike tells her he's sorry and waits until the very last second to get out of her car. 

Frank waits as well. He watches her until they make him go inside and she's pulling away from the lot. 

*******

The next weekend, she doesn't look at Frank while Mike is in her car, but he's watching her again. Mike either doesn't notice or doesn't care. As soon as Mike leaves her car, she looks at Frank and he holds her gaze until they make him go inside. Brent is still there and comes to sit in her car after the felons have been escorted inside. 

"What's up, kiddo?" They're the same age, born in the same month. 

"Hey," she smiles. 

"No crying this time?" He teases. 

"Thankfully, no."

"I know, it sucks."

She nods, not wanting to tell him she is thankful for the break. 

"You ever need anything, let me know, okay? I haven't seen or heard from you in awhile. You should hang out more." He gives her his number and he knows he means it. That she should be hanging out with her friends. She also knows Brent is close with Missy (they've been neighbors for years) and he may know some things about Mike. 

She agrees and Brent leaves her to go home. 

*******

She should mention she's doing some of Mike's "work" for him while he's in jail on the weekends. She meets people for money and translates his code for his buddy, Phil, regarding what games to bet on. She sometimes carries as much as $20,000 in cash and again, hates her damn life. 

The next week, it takes her longer than usual to get to Mike's on Friday. He's screaming at her over the phone because he's afraid he'll be late to jail. She tells him to find another ride and he calms down and apologizes. She picks him up and he waits until they are on the highway to slam her head repeatedly into her window. She's screaming at him and then he's screaming at her for not paying attention to the road and going too slow. 

When they reach the jail, Brent and Frank aren't there. She would have to be a damn fool to ask Mike if he knows why Frank isn't there. 

She has plans tonight to hang out with a couple of her girlfriends and she can't wait. 

They end up hanging out and watching a movie. When the movie is over and they are all sufficiently tipsy, she gets on Melissa's computer and sees she's signed on to aol instant messenger. Frank is online. How she is able to identify his screen name, she doesn't know - she's never seen it before. 

She says hi. 

He says hi back and asks how Carmen is doing. Oh right. She's signed in as Melissa. 

Carmen happens to be Melissa's boyfriend and Karen's cousin. 

She tells him he's in trouble again and that he's talking to Karen not Melissa. 

He doesn't believe her and tells her to prove it. 

"I had sex with you on Marc's living room floor."

"Yup. It's you. What's up?"

"Nothing. Sitting at Melissa's, obviously. No more jail?"

"Nope. I'm a free man."

And that's how it begins. Again. 

*******

They message each other all the time. Her roommate gives her shit for the amount of time she spends on her computer and his friends are doing the same to him. They flirt and she discovers he's hilarious - also, crazy smart. He is so much more open and real with her when he's hiding behind a computer. She secretly diagnoses him with social anxiety - explains the drinking to be comfortable in social situations too. 

She's home one weekend and so is he because Kevin L (Chris L's younger brother) is having people over. She's sitting at the kitchen table when he walks in and she makes it a point to say hello to him and he pointedly says hello back before sitting with her. 

They don't do too much talking but they share a lot of looks and she leaves with a smile. 

*******

The next Saturday her friend Adria is having people over. Please understand when she says "having people over" she means the same group of people. It's always the same group of people. They're very close - again, small town. 

Frank walks through the door and she damn near trips on her way into the living room. 

"What are you doing here?" He was just home last weekend and he hates this town, not to mention people. 

He laughs at her bluntness and nods as an explanation. She doesn't push it. 

They spend most of their night talking on the front porch. He asks about her crying at the jail and she tells him. There's a quiet rage in his eyes when he looks at her. He asks if he can come home with her and assures her he's not looking for anything to happen. She tells him she's staying at Mike's and he can't understand why she has to - why she can't just go home. She's not ready to explain that to him or anyone. She tells him to come to Mike's with her and Crystal. She also makes it clear it's not an invitation for a threesome and he laughs. He tells her he's not interested in that threesome and she feigns offense. He tells her he has no interest in Crystal. 

He does not go with her to Mike's - says that would just be wrong, but asks for a ride home. While he's in the car, he asks for a pen and paper. He writes down his cell number and hands it to her before he gets out. 

Crystal says I think he likes you. Crystal is clueless. 

*******

Mike calls her from jail at 7 pm every Sunday. He only has a few minutes for the phone and she's always waiting for him. This Sunday she isn't there. 

Brent invites them over. Her, Steph, Crystal, Jim Muller, and Frank. Jim is a solid part of their group and Frank's closest friend at the moment, but this is your first time hearing about him. He's an all around nice guy and trusted by everyone. Frank loves Jim and isn't afraid to say it. He says Jim is everything everyone should be. 

They play pool in Brent's basement and Frank picks her as his partner without hesitation. Someone suggests bowling and they eventually head out to do just that. 

She's good, but not great as it's been a number of years and he teases her. He, of course, is excellent. 

When they leave, the girls in her car and the guys in his - it feels too soon and like it should have been a date, but the rest of these people tagged along. 

She drops off Crystal and then Steph because it's a given that Steph is always dropped off last. She isn't ready to go home to her parents yet and can't shake the feeling that her night with him isn't over. It felt...incomplete and raw. 

She drives around town for a little while and realizes she's being silly. Then she passes him. They pass each other on Union Street and she texts him and he calls her. They decide to meet at the old Acme parking lot at the end of town - it's quiet and fairly dark. 

They park and he joins her in her car. They both note that it's a full moon. They talk about what happened with Missy and how he made a huge mistake. He asks if she still has his sweatshirt. He then says something she never thought she would hear from him. 

"You're going to Kevin's party next weekend, right?"

"Yeah. I'm guessing you are too?"

"Yeah I am. I was just- I know you're with Mike, but-"

"But what?"

"I have feelings for you. Like actual feelings I didn't know I was capable of having and I want- I don't think- ...Jesus, I am not good at this."

"I obviously share those feelings - whatever they are. And I'm not great at this either."

He laughs and tells her it's probably just the full moon. They both laugh and he tells her it's getting late so he should go. He opens the door to get out 

"That's it?!" 

He closes the door quickly. "I didn't know if I should kiss you! You're still with Mike."

"You should definitely kiss me! What the hell? You just admitted to having feelings-"

He cuts her off with that kiss. It's real and nervous and not alcohol soaked. 

When they part, they're both smiling. They say their good nights and he goes to his own car. She waits for him to pull away first and follows him. 

Her phone rings and it's him. 

"You okay?"

"I'm not telling you what to do, but I wouldn't hate it if you broke up with Mike."

"Good night, Frank."

*******

Her parents tell her Mike was pretty upset she wasn't around when he called. They told Mike where she was and who she was with. She doesn't care. She's not going to pick him up from jail the next morning. 

When he calls from a pay phone the next morning, he's furious. She doesn't care. She tells him it's over and to find a ride. He's apologetic, begging, and crying. She hangs up on him. 

He sends her flowers every day for a week.

*******

The party at Kevin's ends with Frank and Karen in Kevin's parent's bed. Kevin had informed her early on in the night that Frank had asked him if they could sleep in that room. 

They are making out when she climbs on top of him and he stops her. 

"We don't have to. This isn't about that."

She's fairly certain he gets this shit from after school specials or reruns of 90210. He doesn't know how to manage his feelings so he doesn't know how to vocalize them either. It's entirely possible he's parroting what he's heard from tv and movies. 

"I want to." She pulls off her shirt. "You don't?"

"Oh, no. Trust me I do. Just- this isn't that, okay?"

"Got it." She's not convinced, but this is Frank and unfortunately she'll take him as she can get him. Pathetic? Maybe. 

He stops her again and she huffs with annoyance. "Karen, I'm serious. I've been an asshole and you don't deserve that. I can't promise I won't fuck up, but I'm gonna try."

She never expected anything from him. Back when she was "visiting" him every weekend, she knew she wasn't the only one - he's in college. It wasn't serious. 

~  
She will learn later that she was the only one for awhile and then Missy happened when he was black out drunk. He didn't remember it at all and took a break from drinking because of it. He didn't cheat on her because she wasn't his girlfriend and she doesn't care if he was black out drunk or not. He didn't owe her any explanation.   
~

She puts on her shirt and lies next to him. He faces her and kisses her before closing his eyes to sleep. 

She has no idea what to expect from this. It's totally new territory for both of them. 

*******

The next morning, they're all leaving and he motions for her to call him. 

She does and just like that, they're back at it again. Only this time, it feels slightly more real.


End file.
